Carry That Weight

Words for those in the Funeral Profession – National Funerals Exhibition – 15 June 2024

Text:  You know the way to the place where I am going.’ Thomas said to him, ‘Lord, we do not know where you are going. How can we know the way?’ Jesus said to him, ‘I am the way, and the truth, and the life. (John 14v5-6)

God give you peace my sisters and brothers.

These are familiar words from the Scriptures.  Many of us here have heard them so often that we might be tempted to not listen too deeply to them.  This is sad as they can be not just about Jesus and his disciples but also about us and those who come to us with the burden of their grief.

All of us, from the newly-recruited receptionist, to the pallbearers with their own peculiar brand of gallows humour, and the faithful sexton who has probably, literally, dug more graves than they have had hot dinners, are people who imitate Jesus in the way he carries the weight of others.

No, we are not responsible for the salvation of the world and, I really do hope, we won’t end up being crucified (though on occasion it may feel like that!).  Each of us, in our own roles and circumstances are people who are ‘Way, Truth and Life’ to those who come to us in the middle of their brokenness.

When those who weep come to us, regardless of what plans may have been made or paid for, they come to us for guidance.  They ask of us help to navigate the maze that is modern day mourning.  Rudderless and lost they ask for our advice on what is the best ‘Way’ forward.  In days past this was not as difficult.  There were not so many choices, families lived closer to each other, everyone had their traditions.  Today arranging a funeral is not what it used to be and we are left with that minefield of a question from the bereaved, ‘Well, what do people normally do?’  As if we would dare ever treat anyone’s death as ‘normal’.  

Today there is so much choice, perhaps even too much choice, how are we (frail human beings that we are) supposed to show people the ‘Way?’

And then there is the question of Truth.  I don’t think any of us here is bold enough to think we may have the answer to everything and know how to weigh the Truth.  However each of us, as we walk alongside the bereaved, will be told many ‘Truths’ about the bereaved and those whose bodies and remains are in our care.  Some of these ‘Truths’ that we would rather not hear…  

How do we cope with the bickering families where a death has finally allowed a home truth to surface?  What do we do when a widow tells you about the true love that she and her beloved shared for three, four, or even five decades?  How do we manage to handle all this truth-telling that is spared those who do not tend the dead for a living?

And then there is bringing ‘Life’.  Personally, long ago, I stopped talking about death but instead talk about the ‘life after life’.  Yet I have to own that this comes from my own faith which is not shared by all with whom we work.  Just a few days ago as I hugged my friend before her wife’s funeral I whispered into her ear, ‘It will be alright’.  Her tear-filled response was, ‘Andrew, it will never be alright…’ 

How are we to offer life in the midst of death, hope in the middle of despair, light when those who come to us are shrouded in darkness?

This is not easy work that we do, but it is good and godly work that we do and I want to end with three words of encouragement;

Firstly, thank you.  Thank you for hiding your own pain and grief so that you can carry the weight of others.

Secondly, don’t keep things in, find a way to decompress and let things go.  For me, whenever I am overnight in the Smoke, I head for the Millenium Footbridge at the end of the day and ‘say’ the names of those I have carried into Old Father Thames.  As the hymn says, ‘Time like an ever-rolling stream will bear us all away’.

And finally some words of Hildegard of Bingen (which I first heard in an episode of ‘Call the Midwife). ‘God hugs you, God hugs you.  You are encircled by the arms of the mystery of God’.  

I can’t explain it, I will often get it wrong, but this I know.  Whenever we tend the tears of another, whenever we put aside our own cares and concerns to bring the Way, Truth and Life to the bereaved, whenever we put our own burdens to one side and cary the weight of another’s pain, God looks on us, smiles and says, ‘My beloved child, let me hug you.’

This blog ‘Carry that Weight’ is copyright © Andrew Dotchin 2024.  It may be reproduced free of charge on condition that the source is acknowledged.